From a young age, we’re taught to obey. Rules at home. Rules at school. Follow the instructions. Stay in line. Be nice. Do what’s expected.
We learn that success comes from fitting into a framework, from following the guidelines that are set for us. So, when we step into the workforce, we continue looking for those rules. We want to know what’s allowed, what’s rewarded, and what will get us reprimanded. This is how we’ve been conditioned to succeed.
But as we transition into adulthood, especially in the workplace, something shifts. We quickly realize that simply following the rules isn’t enough anymore. Suddenly, we’re expected to lead, set boundaries, advocate for ourselves, and go against the grain when needed. This is the point where many of us start to feel a little lost.
We’ve been trained to fit into a system, but now we need to break free from it. And that’s a challenge because, as much as we may have learned about how to follow rules, we haven’t been taught how to make our own.
For many, this shows up in struggles with people-pleasing, perfectionism, or difficulty saying no. We might feel too “nice” or too “quiet” or too “anything.” These feelings are often labeled as shortcomings, but I want to make one thing clear: there is NOTHING wrong with you if this is your experience. You are not broken.
The truth is, you were taught a certain set of skills growing up—skills that helped you succeed in environments where following instructions was the priority. But now, the environment is different. The world of adulthood and leadership asks for a different set of skills—ones that focus on self-advocacy, boundary-setting, and breaking free from the mold of compliance.
This transition from rule-follower to rule-maker is uncomfortable. But it’s also incredibly empowering.
Unlearning and Reprogramming
Let’s think about the idea of “unlearning” or “reprogramming” the habits and patterns that served us well in one phase of life but no longer do. This is a concept that can feel overwhelming at first, but it’s also liberating. Because the good news is, you can unlearn anything at any time. You can choose to let go of old patterns, and you can actively choose to learn new skills that serve you better in your current situation.
The process of unlearning doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen without effort. But with practice and patience, it becomes easier. You can practice setting boundaries, speaking up for yourself, and saying no when necessary, until it starts to feel natural. Eventually, these actions will align more with who you are and who you want to be—authentically, unapologetically, and in control of your own decisions.
The journey from following rules to making your own is not only about changing behavior—it’s about reclaiming your power.
You might start small. Perhaps it’s saying “no” to a request that you don’t have the bandwidth for, or offering a suggestion in a meeting even though you’re used to staying quiet. It could be as simple as setting aside time for yourself, despite the pressure to always be available to others. The key is to start. And then keep going.
You’ll begin to notice that these small steps add up. The more you practice, the more you’ll realize that you’re not just following a set of rules anymore. You’re creating your own. You’re designing your life based on your values, your needs, and your vision for your future.
The most important takeaway? It’s not about perfection. It’s not about getting everything “right.” It’s about progress. Progress toward a version of yourself that isn’t bound by old patterns or expectations. A version of yourself that gets to call the shots, set the boundaries, and decide what feels true and right.
So, if you’re feeling like you’re “too nice,” “too quiet,” or “too anything,” remember this: You were simply trained with a different skill set. But now it’s time to learn the skills that will help you thrive in this next chapter of your life. You can unlearn, you can grow, and you can practice making your own rules—until it feels like second nature.
Because making your own rules? That’s a skill too. And it’s one that you can master, no matter where you’re starting from.
